Holiday Hug, Part II

The holidays are upon us, like it or not! As I write this I am waiting for pecans to toast in the oven, so I can make my seasonal spiced nuts. It’s one of the many traditions I have, like the church cookie swap and the advent calendar. 

It's also a time where I take out every holiday linen, decoration and serving platter of my mom’s. I will use her punch bowl, which is really kind of bulky and not an ideal way to serve the four people in my family. No matter. It makes me feel good. Her birthday is on Christmas Day; it’s always been her season. 

I know several people who have lost parents this year, and I want to send them a hug. I want to encourage them to find some of their parent’s belongings, and use them. Maybe it’s making a cocktail in the cocktail shaker your dad gave you, or wearing your mom’s Christmas apron. Doing this is no cure all, but it helped me through those first holidays when my mom died. Still does. I wrote a blog about it; our first "holiday hug". It might be helpful to you.

Or not. There are times when a parent dies and the pain that comes after is not of missing them, but grieving a loss of what could have been, and wasn’t, and now never will be. The life you had with them was not ideal. You didn’t have the best relationship. Maybe you had a terrible relationship. It was complicated. What then? There are no easy answers but I know a punch bowl is not going to help anything.

I think it is good for us to acknowledge that people have pain that is not easily soothed. That when we lose a parent we can have pain other than missing someone who isn’t in our lives anymore. We miss a life we never had or a relationship we wanted but never got. This hurts, maybe more so around the holidays when we witness all this holiday messaging about jolly families and perfect gifts and teary welcome home reunions etc. etc. etc.

I am no expert on how to alleviate any kind of pain. But an acknowledgement that people have different experiences with death might cultivate a sensitivity around how we look at the people around us and what they may or may not be going through. It may inform how we respond to people. It may remind us not to assume this or that.

Acknowledging the possibilities of someone’s life and relationships is a good practice in general, is it not? I would like to be better at this myself. It may clarify how to help someone. What to say to comfort someone or when to give a hug and say nothing, and follow up with them later. You may not know exactly what someone needs, but adopting a perspective that conveys you may not have an “answer”, and don’t know all the information, but you see this person, and you are trying. This shows you care.

Showing that you care about someone actually helps them. Does this really need to be said? Yes. Yes it does.

So this holiday season, as you bring out your mother’s holiday china or your dad's cocktail shaker, be free with your active listening. Be generous with your benefit of the doubts. I will if you will! Be brave and tell someone you may not have the right words but you want to acknowledge that things may be tough. Show someone that you see them. 

It’s a good gift to give. And to get.